The Both/And
It is not either/or, this journey through grief
Even though everything around me screams that I must choose one.
Happy or Sad
Peace or Pain
Its exhausting – the both/and
The days when wrestling comes because new questions arise that cause my faith to be challenged in ways I never wanted…
A sobering thing to admit.
It isn’t my need for ‘why’ that causes me to wrestle.
Instead, I find myself asking: “what now?”
If this is the road…the story you are carving out for me, then “WHAT. NOW.”
Like a lawyer presenting evidence to the court, I ran to Jesus and asked:
“What about this?!”
“I remember what you said!”
“Is losing my son what needed to happen?! You KNEW?! And still…”
I received no answers…
But I will remain present in the silence because the conviction in me that He is a GOOD Father is the most powerful whisper against the screaming voice that is pain & loss.
There is something so beautifully ugly (yeah, I’m aware of the contradiction, Keep reading) about praising from a depth you didn’t know you had. In the griminess that is grief & pain, like a key fitting perfectly into its lock, you raise your hands & praise Him, simply because He is GOD. Lifting a shout that ripples throughout eternity – echoing the goodness of The Father.
Alpha and Omega
Beginning and The End
Jehovah Rapha – The God who HEALS
The GREAT I am
Pain is a part of my praise…it is part of the both/and
It has taken me long nights and even longer days to fully grasp what this means. Each day I learn a new piece of the puzzle, a new comma in the sentence of my story.
Continually allowing that whisper to silence the chaos that swirls…
Romans 8:28 “And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them”
