It is not either/or, this journey through grief

Even though everything around me screams that I must choose one.

 

Happy or Sad

Peace or Pain

Its exhausting – the both/and

 

The days when wrestling comes because new questions arise that cause my faith to be challenged in ways I never wanted…

A sobering thing to admit.

 It isn’t my need for ‘why’ that causes me to wrestle.

Instead, I find myself asking: “what now?”

If this is the road…the story you are carving out for me, then “WHAT. NOW.”

Like a lawyer presenting evidence to the court, I ran to Jesus and asked:

 

“What about this?!”

“I remember what you said!”

“Is losing my son what needed to happen?! You KNEW?! And still…”

 

I received no answers…

But I will remain present in the silence because the conviction in me that He is a GOOD Father is the most powerful whisper against the screaming voice that is pain & loss.

 

There is something so beautifully ugly (yeah, I’m aware of the contradiction, Keep reading) about praising from a depth you didn’t know you had. In the griminess that is grief & pain, like a key fitting perfectly into its lock, you raise your hands & praise Him, simply because He is GOD. Lifting a shout that ripples throughout eternity – echoing the goodness of The Father.

 

Alpha and Omega

Beginning and The End

Jehovah Rapha – The God who HEALS

The GREAT I am

 

Pain is a part of my praise…it is part of the both/and

It has taken me long nights and even longer days to fully grasp what this means. Each day I learn a new piece of the puzzle, a new comma in the sentence of my story.

 

Continually allowing that whisper to silence the chaos that swirls…

 

 Romans 8:28 “And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them”