Pen in hand I stare blankly at a white piece of paper (yeah I wrote this on paper first - just go with it) desperately searching for words that might describe what I’m trying to say. This is what i’ve told Jesus so far…

I don’t want this to be my story - I don’t enjoy waking up every day feeling the weight of grief. The core of my beliefs crashing into the reality in front of me - my son is not here. I don’t like that I am questioning the things of God so intensely. I don’t like that I am no longer ME & I am trying to find this new person amidst deep grief. I don’t like that answering “how are you?” makes me pause and figure out how to be honest but not overwhelm the person doing the asking.

Yes, I believe in His word. Yes, I know that He is faithful, but that does not change my reality - my son is not here. I am under the knife without anesthesia & I hate it. I will not waiver in my belief that I serve and follow a good God, but that does not mean I am okay with this narrative He has started. I believe that the ending is beautiful, but the process tastes bitter.

This journey into motherhood is one I would gladly alter.

Will my feelings about this change? Maybe…probably…from what I know of God’s character…I think it will, but I am not there yet.

This is a messy narrative & I’m not trying to clean it up - I’m just trying to show up. To open my arms as wide as I can and welcome all that this narrative brings.

The joy & The grief

The moments of incapacitating pain & the immersion of unexplainable joy I can’t help but dance.

I’ve had to ride each wave as it comes and face whatever is brought to me that day. It has taken me almost 4 months to form even the smallest of sentences - for a writer like myself - that has been frustrating.

I didn’t write this as an end - but a beginning

This journey is far from over

This narrative carries a weight that means both/and - It is not an either/or situation

I can have tears and dance - I can be in pain & still praise

My prayer is that I carry this narrative well…as openly & honestly as I possibly can.