Oof – they say that 1st year is the hardest – I feel a bit selfish saying mine was much harder (to me) than your average baby story.

 It felt like I was walking on a glass floor and every time I looked down I could see all the pieces of pain and grief. Those early mornings and late nights trying to stay as present as I could for the story that my daughter is. 

While staring wide eyed as each new piece revealed itself beneath my feet – unable to make sense of any of it. Blaming myself for ‘missing’ something like I had intentionally buried that pain. 

I didn’t - sometimes that’s just how grief works - it reveals itself at some of the most inconvenient times. 

I stomped, I kicked – to no avail – that glass floor still cemented the mess underneath me. For a while I got angry – wondering why this was the way the first year of motherhood (after loss) was going for me. I always knew it was going to be hard – I’m sure you can relate that knowing something in concept and experiencing it are two very different things. 

One day - I did as I always did - prayed, worshiped, journaled and that day..  

 The glass shattered & I found myself humbled and whole again. 

On my knees, letting out a breath that drops the shoulders and tightly held fists begin to uncurl - I let it all spill out. 

Shattered pride, arrogance, my idea of what ‘beautiful after loss’ looked like. Remembering that… it just isn’t about me. My story, my life - the pieces that make up my puzzle have everything to do with Him. 

That won’t make sense to a lot of you or maybe it will I’m not sure…

 I have fought so hard with The Lord on writing about a lot of my journey this first year because it’s not… well-articulated? Cohesive? It’s a little gray… which I loathe. Trying to tell the hard parts of a story while actively living a promise feels like whiplash. Both are true and valid – but – HOW

That’s exactly what I am trying to see as well…

 I still don’t understand and each day I am faced with new challenges in finding ME in motherhood and loss. 

 Here is what I know – He is The Father that He says He is & if you show up even if it’s messy and painful. Most days you will find yourself feeling like you have accomplished nothing. Then on a random Tuesday He will meet you and you will breathe deeply again.

His timing is always perfect. 

 Im not sure what this means for where He is taking me – life hasn’t looked like what I thought it would. In the hard things we (my husband and I) have experienced and in the good things.

So,

Here’s to glass shattering and continually finding myself at the feet of a God who loves His children.