The Six
As my pen hits paper I am desperately trying to perfect sentences that aren’t even finished. I want to make this look prettier - put together - perfect. Shout out to all my Enneagram 1’s out there - it puzzled me how much the perfectionist in me came out after she was born…not sure why - something to write about later.
Motherhood after loss is a journey that is beautiful and messy < that messy part is infuriating for me - here are some of my thoughts on the last 6 months:
The weight of what we lost was made real when she was born. Her presence collided with his absence and my heart was shattered and made whole again in one singular moment. I have been trying to decide what to feel and when. How do I do this gracefully? I had tunnel vision for a while - needing to take care of a newborn and knowing that there was a storm brewing internally.
The grief spilled out a lot faster than I had anticipated or wanted…something I punished myself for and still do on occasion. This time it was painfully lonely.
The outside world flooded my life with excitement and texts of happy thoughts. Everyone meant well - but my internal world was reliving a loss and experiencing a life all at once.
It felt, and still feels, as if a justice scale has been set before me as I try to balance joy and grief - each of them continually canceling each other out.
I knew only how to disconnect from a baby - to let one go. I didn’t know how to connect to one, to hold onto one. I couldn’t comprehend that she was MINE and she was coming home with me. Having space to hit walls of grief has made me weary.
“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.”
Learning to hold two babies the way that I am - is daunting. I am daily being shown that I must lean into Him in ways I just don’t want to. Isn’t that funny? My heart will lean into Jesus freely, but when it isn’t the way I want to, reluctance and doubt plagues my soul. I find myself uncurling my fists every day and letting Him determine what is RIGHT and purposeful.
God is sovereign - I have experienced Him answering some of the most complicated prayers in the simplest of ways. I am not sure what you have lost - but I am anchored by the truth that He is a GOOD Father. Although my son is not here - I know that He does not withhold things from His children. Through pain there is still promise - my daughter is evidence of that.
