The 19/20

As a prelude - 

I struggled publishing this post, it isn’t happy. 

There’s no magical lesson I discuss at the end. 

No pretty way to talk about the truth that 2019 was for me. 

If this makes you uncomfortable - I’m sorry 

Grief is uncomfortable. The process grimy and littered with highs and lows that leave you numb with nothing but silence as your companion.

Here are some ramblings my heart put together when I thought about 2019…

‘There you are’ I whisper to myself as I pen my pain. 

Lazily scribbling down thoughts and feelings about this past year. 

Not really wanting to but knowing I need too. 

Reminding me of all the healing I haven’t received yet.

I hated your sun. 

I hated your moon.

Oh but I love you all the same… 

Your weather made me angry.

 Your rain, wreaked havoc on my soul. 

Your wind took my breath away…It returned stale 

I’ll miss the things I never knew…

I do not look back on you fondly. 

Yet I find myself not wanting to let you go - you marked me. 

Your unrelenting questions drove me MAD. 

I hated how much you changed me

As a wife, friend and co-worker… 

Yet you made us parents.

All the well wishes from friends and family couldn’t change 

the pain that the mirror screamed at me. 

My year was not measured from January to January.

It was measured from March 14th to March 14th.

This year has been the epitome of the ‘both/and’

This journey has brought its own moments of joy and shame. Am I doing this right? Is there a right or wrong way to do grief? Feeling the judgment of others because…GRIEF. Feeling like a failure because I can no longer do the things I used to. At the same time, feeling freedom and joy because Jesus is still JESUS. As I said before, I don’t have a pretty bow for this one like I have in my previous posts. To end - I'll simply say this…

2020 - I have hope for you.