The Grief of Today

I approach this door every year and it's different every time. 

That’s defeating and a little disappointing. 

Being able to predict something means I have control right? 

If control is present then surely the weight of today won’t hurt so bad…

RIGHT?

How easily our humanity is revealed to us. 

That somehow control will be our safety and shield.

This is year 6. 

It feels old and hard to open. 

As if its been locked for many years. I push and the scraping makes me wince with apprehension. As if the sound is a reminder of the pain this space holds.

I peer inside. 

I’m not sure what I was expecting today - but it wasn’t this.

This room hasn’t been tended to in a long time.

Too long. It seems. 

I don’t know what to make of that. 

Stepping on shards of glass but it feels like anger. 

I ball my fists in annoyance - This is still here?

Vases once filled with flowers. 

Now spillover with questions like rancid water. 

I don’t know what to do here. 

Its odd that this feels old but familiar. 

Journals piled high filled with the pride of searching for meaning. 

Canvas’s line the walls holding pictures of what was.

The contrast to my present is so beautiful and painful it’s hard to hold.

pens, paintbrushes, scissors and tape. They litter the floor as if someone was in a hurry to leave. Reminders of the tools I once had to make sense of this narrative.

What do I do with all of this?

So, I reach for Him… 

Just His presence and the scriptures. 

Giving me the capacity to hold the beautiful and the painful. There is anchoring that happens deep within the soul when you reach for Him in suffering.

This space feels just as confusing as it always has. Nothing has changed in that regard. But I hold onto this one truth…

Jesus is who He says that He is.

Psalm 23

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
    for his name's sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
    I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
    your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
    my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord
    forever.