The third year

Thoughts on this 3rd year

It feels like there’s been a lot more life lived in 3 years

Than that number seems to warrant. 

Time and the depth of human emotion is weird… 

I miss him. 

The pain still takes my breath away. 

I wonder a lot about what life would be like if he were here. 

but I am okay today.

It hurts - like someone is messing with an old wound and nerve endings fire away with feelings of loss.

in the crevices of my own heart I know grief (unintentionally) took on a life of its own

one I could see happening but felt incapable to stop. 

Like trying to catch fog…

I never gave up because I KNOW He is a good Father

I understood nothing, but I refused to go out the easy way. 

It took longer than I would have wanted but it all finally shattered. 

Now… 

I’m starting to find myself again.. 

In motherhood. 

Being a wife. 

A friend. 

A daughter.

There’s a warmth to my soul I didn’t think was ever coming back 

I’m dreaming - I never thought that was going to happen again.  

It's a slow pace of life for me right now, one I am trying to embrace instead of reject.

The Father’s heart is one of the most painful and glorious places I find myself. 

For the first time in years our conversations have shifted and that’s a breath of fresh air. 

Like I haven’t been forgotten… There is still more He wants to say.

Healing is BRUTAL.

But have the courage to do hard things. 

He is my before. 

He is my after. 

---

I miss you buddy. 

My heart is full… I am okay 

I leave you with my most anchoring Psalm 

Psalm 116

“Gracious is The Lord and righteous;

Our God is merciful, the Lord protects the simple; 

When I was brought low, He saved me. 

Return, to your rest O, my soul, 

for the lord has dealt bountifully with you. 

For you have delivered my soul from death, 

my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling. 

I will walk before the Lord in the land of living.”